Thursday, April 09, 2009

I'll Fly With You

It’s 12:05 am in the morning and I am compelled to write. Seems like I’ve been writing a lot lately—research papers examining the intersections of race, class and sexual orientation in essentialist legal discourse—things that roll out of the left hemisphere of my brain quite easily.

What I have ignored is my right brain—the primitive highly emotional side driving my most personal writings. On this very new morning, I’m letting it out to feed again.

I’ll be finished law school in a few weeks. It brings tears to my eyes. The past 4 years have been devastatingly beautiful—devastatingly tragic. Divorce, death, self-doubt and disillusionment—self realization, acceptance, fortitude and freedom all merging, in this moment, at this time. It is so painful breaking into new wineskins. But guess what? I survived. I am tenacious and newly formed.

This law stuff is such a bore. I am afraid that I don't want to be a lawyer any longer. I've let it go. I’ve released my ego, the image of perfection, and my fear of disappointing others. I have nothing left to prove.

I started dreaming new dreams, quietly, months, maybe years ago—I finally have the courage to move forward. Because I can, because I am alive, I am reinventing myself. I am going back to school –my dream, to become a consummate learner, a consummate explorer, a consummate teacher. I’ve already been accepted into a teaching program and I will be interviewing for teaching positions in the upcoming weeks.

I’ve never been one for astrology, but a love of mine showed me its powers. At this time, Virgo is in Saturn. This is of particular concern to me for I am a Virgo—and I am in my Saturn Return. I looked all this stuff up online—and then I came across this, “You have become entrenched in a process that no longer fits your life and now you will have an opportunity to change it to your liking.” And of Saturn, even more uncanny, “Saturn is all about redefining how you appear to the outside world, even your physical appearance. Planets indicate new beginnings. This is your opportunity to reinvent yourself."

Saturn Return surfaces every 28-29 years to return to where it was when you were born. Saturn Return “is a time of endings and beginnings, a time to discover your authentic self and correct your course in life if it seems like you are headed in the wrong direction.” But there is a warning to all of this. If you do not re-evaluate and change course if necessary, you will be doomed to continue an inauthentic and painful life until your second Saturn Return at age 58.

I’m heeding the call.