Wednesday, December 29, 2010


Insanity: Doing the same thing over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over again in the expectation of a different result.

Doctor told me today I've caught a head case. I'm certifiable. Meds and all. I've taken to chain smoking a pack of marlboro.

It's official. In search of working brain.

I have to leave you.

Saturday, December 25, 2010

It's the most wonderful time of the year...

It's Christmas and I am home sick. Not deadly sick, or even major sick--just sick enough to avoid the customary pomp and circumstance of Christmas. I suppose this sickness was manifested, sort of like "The Secret." I love the Christmas spirit, but I can not tolerate estranged family members buzzing around over-cooked turkey and stuffing. I don't like random people in my space.

I have managed to continue my Christmas traditions. I watched "The Little Drummer Boy" on Christmas eve and exchanged gifts at the stroke of midnight. That's all I require.

R is off visiting her family and undoubtedly preparing to bring me home a number of warm treats.  I have time to reflect. Time to think through this crazy year.  Space to produce an artificial cataloguing of time.

1. Work

I've moved on from my teaching job. Now I am a special education administrator. More money, less stress. More flexibility, less crap. Quick, what's the most undervalued profession in the U.S.? Teaching, duh. Thank you Michelle Rhee, Arne Duncan, and the legion of plutocrats determined to run schools like corporations. Hooray for corporatism and wall street. Recession? What recession?

I like my job, so far. But... as always, I see myself growing bored with it by the end of the year. My ambition always gets the best of me. I am thinking of returning to school to pursue a PH.D in educational psychology--it's fascinating, and there are not enough psychologists of color in our community.  Yes, I'll be one of those indecisive suckers with twenty titles etched behind my name.  The thought of putting my life on hold and relying on savings, once again, is frightening. I do want to have a family some day.

If I don't go back to school, I am going to start searching for a leadership position at a non-profit organization. I've always dreamed of managing my own organization. Please, universe, align. Put me on the path.

2.  Happiness

I read somewhere that "happiness," however subjective it may be,  is mostly genetic. Behaviorists opine that we are all born with a pre-determined, innate  level of  happiness.  So I've decided to stop chasing happiness. This is who I am.  And for the most part, I am content.  I know I think way too deeply and often. And I drive myself to mad and sullen moods. I am prone to moroseness. But I am also subject to incredible moment of clarity and peace.

3.  Love

Things seemed so easy. Get up and leave. Now I am drawn back to her soft spaces. The glitter and sparkles have fallen off and the new toy smell is gone, but like the velveteen rabbit, it is real. I haven't fully committed to her again, but I haven't left. I've had several opportunities to--many offers of fresh starts, but I can't. My heart, I thought, was my own--I realize that it is desperately intertwined with hers. I remain still for now.  The waves will come to chart my course.

4. Miscellaneous 

At the end of 2010 at least one thing hasn't changed. I still prefer soft, supple fruit over hard candy. Merry Christmas to gays, straights, and lezzies everywhere!

Monday, December 13, 2010

D in D

is it ok for me to ask you to rescue me? i’ve never asked this of any one before. An abdication of any semblance of independent thought, need, and desire. here. grab my hand. take me with you. i won’t resist. 
sweep me up in you. imbibe me. bones so tired of moving. i am woman. let me lean.  

strength will return. but for now. please. come. rescue me--a feminist burning bushes to light the way home. 

Thursday, December 09, 2010

American Wars

I am all geared up for a protest. I am ready to burn down buildings. Turn over cars. Spray paint dirty little words like "sanctimonious," and "fascist, " on white walls. I hear that in London the Brits have taken to the street over tuition hikes. The PEOPLE are bloody screaming, rock-throwing, finger-flipping, flame throwing.

I'm certain our revolt is on its way. The thugs are holding us hostage. Penalizing the workers. Misappropriating public funds. It's going down! I've filled my bucket with hot water, torn bricks out of the wall, and duck-taped phone books to my chest. I am waiting...I am waiting...pacing back and forth, peering out the window. Somebody give me the signal. Show me the sign.

Saturday, December 04, 2010

The Great Escape

“Being colored is a metaphysical dilemma I haven’t conquered yet.” --For Colored Girls Who Have Considered Suicide When the Rainbow is Enuf 

But I have a plan...