Me, Undone

It's been quite a long time since I've posted. If any one is ever still out there, my apologies. I looked into the mirror today and wept for my spirit. I am sorry for abandoning you for so long. I moved to Chicago a month ago. I quit my job. Left my family, friends, and lovers. Loaded all my belongings into a four door sedan, tossed everything that did not fit, and drove 14 hours toward the windy city. I am full of so many hopes. Hope of a fresh start. Hope of blossoming love. Hope of sweet success. Novelty. But novelty, I know, is like cheap fabric. It wears. And I have to admit that I am scared, realizing that I have no back-up plan. No hidden map. No exit strategy. Life could eat me alive.

I saw the X-men prequel a few weeks ago and I have been unable to let it go. I left the movie feeling an eerie connection to Mystique's character. She is a mutant so agonizingly human, hiding in plain sight. Like Mystique, I began morphing to survive. It’s a learned sport. As a little girl, I became whatever I was needed to be. Silent. Self-sufficient. Un-needy. The keeper of secrets. I adapted quickly and ferociously, lest I be caught dead. And then there was the move to private school. I shifted into the black girl who “talked and acted white.” Traded my Boys II Men and SWV cassette tapes for Dave Matthews Band and Phish. Packed my bag with turkey sandwiches and baby carrots. I was the agreeable token black student. In college, the masking continued by kissing boys, and eventually marrying one in my early twenties. I hid my love for women with Bible verses. I was the loving wife. The righteous Christian sister. I foolishly thought that in my coming out and move to a m...

A storm is coming. I can see it savoring and slivering down the way. I sit, on cold floor, patiently waiting for its arrival. I beg for the rain to take its time with me. Wash it away. The once useful, now un/useable. I'm holding still for your hands. Come forth. Show yourself with grace.