Sunday, January 30, 2011

Wordly Desires

There is a woman cooking in my kitchen after a night in my bed. All I can think of sitting here is how much I want her to go home. Our "meeting" has not made me feel any closer to her. Conversely, I've lost all interest. My eyes went black and I shut her out. I'm sorry.

This is a heart crime. Should I propose celibacy? No, I would only be lying to myself. Celibacy until I develop an emotional connection? Maybe.

From now on, I'm going to love you before I fuck you let you stay the night. Feed me pixie dust and stars. Peter pan and tinker bell.

In the meantime, I have to figure out how to handle this situation. I never want to be here, at this time, doing this all too familiar dance.

Friday, January 28, 2011

On to the next one...

1. Today, against my better judgment, I sat down and made a list of all the women I've seen over the past few weeks. I have to admit that when I finally totaled the numbers, I was surprised. This, meaning dating,  all started out quite innocently. I was pining to get out, enjoy some decent conversation, you know, experience the sweet tingle between my thighs every once in awhile. What ensued was maddening, quite often. Fun, sometimes. Disappointing, always. I was, and still am not looking for another relationship; however, is it too much to ask for a woman with intrigue, edge, color girl sophistication, worldly intellect, Frida Kahlo artsy tendencies? (p.s.  three of more of the above-mentioned qualities, in the right combination, is perfectly acceptable)

I feel like Goldilocks. Oh, poor Goldilocks, I never understood your sizable dilemma before this upset. I'm not climbing from bed to bed, but from mediocre restaurant to mediocre restaurant, uncomfortable conversation to even more uncomfortable conversations. Here are the stats below, judge for yourself.

* 16 17 total connections
* 12 first dates
* 3 trips from NY
* 1 trip from Boston
* 1 trip from Baltimore
* 1 trip to NY
* 5 refusals to talk to her again after the first conversation or meeting because she is one of the following: 1. incredibly boring 2. desperate 3. crazy
* 5 "let's just be friends" talks/texts (I know, I'm cold)
* 1 actual good friend
* 1 purely sexual meditation
* 3 could have, should have been love if I were allowed to be free, at least a little while longer
* 1 2 women who are still in my life.

Sunday, January 16, 2011

Philadelphia! Philadelphia!

Life chases like the wind.  In two weeks,  I walked away--for good, leased a beautiful new apartment in Philadelphia, moved, unpacked, and woke up alone.  Yes, I am alone--emotionally and mentally lucid.  These arms, this spine, these thighs...oh...I am so open.

I've really missed Philadelphia. I'm infatuated with Philly's smelly streets, colorful murals, and tiny byobs. I am falling in love again. I have a gorgeous apartment and a deck with an unobstructed view of the Philadelphia sky line.

I don't know where this will end. I am not going in circles anymore, and that feels damn good. I'm coming back in to myself again. A homecoming.