Me, Undone

the box of blue pills rest by my side. i fumble with the lid and cautiously slide them out onto the living room table. blue little pills i’ve used so often for relief. tonight i think that i might use them to save a life. when I was a little girl, i read that GOD took Enoch away. one day he was walking on earth and the next day he was free. separated him from the fallacy of this world. this transient and painfully unbearable façade. some nights i ask, well why can’t GOD take me? i sit here with sorrow carved so deeply. eviscerated. i want to sleep tonight. blue little pills. my salvation. this musing. not a cry for intervention. i know full well that if i put these blue pills in my mouth i won’t make any attempts. i will leave this earth tonight. pray GOD mercy. Suddenly, I hear her loud like something crashing down. She is in the other room. Completely unaware that I have decided to save a life. I push the pills away. Fuck it. Fuck me.

She pulled back my eyelids In an attempt to see my soul Carefully placing in me Imaginations and illuminations mythologies and astro-philosophies Of perfection Her timid tongue prepared new words Her feeble legs danced a strange and unfamiliar dance She desperately wanted to see Desperately wanted to believe Praying for me to become An unadulterated manifestation of secret cravings and ravished dreams She placed the world at my feet And blew a wish for possession Little did she understand that what she had found Was the ultimate realization of her greatest desires And darkest nightmares Further denial proved too fatal for contemplation A creature so delicately flawed and incomplete She lifted her face to the mirror only to see A perfect reflection Of herself

It is tragic That i sit here starved wanting Just a little bit more Thou dost protest too much I think that I am greedy to need so much I have slutty needs And dirty thoughts transcendence and understanding have dissipated I crave the dark She is rising again leading me by the hand No longer i can resist Take me Make a mockery of my good thoughts Stain my body Knock me to my knees Burn the insides of my thighs Tag me Rock these bones Pull tears from my face Tumbling down the rabbit hole I am desolation I am desperation I am rage

TESTIFY on this day today, yes, this very day spirit left body slipped suddenly like rush mad opening spinning through vortex to re turn to the universe to rest no eyes nor ears present to testify at its pass... ing she journeyed alone only weeping bodies left behind folding softly in the wind we curse light not darkness where she goes i fear i cannot go she whispers in my ear at 3 am in the morning "i'm free" i smell her scent when i wake to begin again where she goes i fear i cannot go with her hands sullen eyes and her freckles lining my face i am here now to testify where she goes i fear i cannot go rest now in the light go safely i am here now to testify