Me, Undone

did the sun ever once so quickly  look at the bud as to say  i wish u were the  bloom?

We made love to fragile . I did not know how fragile you were until I knelt down to drink and you broke pieces in my mouth  You knew early that I would not stay and that you could not escape  so you left your pieces in my skin for the journey     Sometimes I discover your glass splinters with an ache   and I take them out and make them in to an image of you in your new life  wild and free

I age, wrinkle and collect experience in the strands of my hair.  It is the knowing that brings me comfort these days.   There will always be someone willing to tell you who are, if you let them.  Swallowing true intentions slow... like vermouth. The wolf quiets truth with small suggestions and a smile. I was naked, offered a scarf, and pair of gloves. Given a new name, scrubbed clean with hair fastened into a tight bun in exchange  for my voice. When they tell you that there is something to learn from everyone. Don’t believe them. This is how the lonely and the loveless enter. Young girl, Careful  of  snakes  in  the  grass. See with your own eyes. Trust the quiet exhale of your lungs. You. Are. Powerful. 

the mouth is an overflow of the heart. and your large orbs. they are both mirrors and wells. the measure of what you think is threaded across your neck. when u close your eyes, i know that it is to avoid the meeting of mine. i saw your dreams walking down your thighs last night.

I can think myself out of a paper bag, tied tight and locked in a spinning chair above the sea. I think. I ponder. I rationalize. I conceptualize. I rethink. My heart and mind are distant cousins. They make battle across my bones. I coax mind, follow heart. Mind replies, “ I must think about it.” This is where you come in. Stand guard for me. Watch for the moment. The sweet seconds of opportunity when I escape for light. Grab me. Shake me. Rock me back down. Wrap your arms around me strong. Don’t let me go. Whisper into my ear and stroke the wool hair on my head. And Wait.

I carry this image of you resting there naked. It is dark. I can barely see the lines of you pulled together. I sketch the rise and fall of your chest and match my breathing to yours. I like you like this, I say. Un-guarded. Un-tongued with open ribcage and arms by your side. You are enough. There is always morning, though. And as the sun ascends, I see now, shell and bone forming again, moving swiftly from the tips of your toes up your shoulder blade. In moments, you will be apart from me. In the full light of day, I am lost. I can only guess at who you are. I stumble around with my heart in my hands. Afraid. Yes, always afraid, that under the sheer weight of my ignorance, my blindness--you, I, we, will collapse before night can come again. Godspeed.

It's been quite a long time since I've posted. If any one is ever still out there, my apologies. I looked into the mirror today and wept for my spirit. I am sorry for abandoning you for so long. I moved to Chicago a month ago. I quit my job. Left my family, friends, and lovers. Loaded all my belongings into a four door sedan, tossed everything that did not fit, and drove 14 hours toward the windy city. I am full of so many hopes. Hope of a fresh start. Hope of blossoming love. Hope of sweet success. Novelty. But novelty, I know, is like cheap fabric. It wears. And I have to admit that I am scared, realizing that I have no back-up plan. No hidden map. No exit strategy. Life could eat me alive.