Mutations
I saw the X-men prequel a few weeks ago and I have been unable to let it go. I left the movie feeling an eerie connection to Mystique's character. She is a mutant so agonizingly human, hiding in plain sight.
Like Mystique, I began morphing to survive. It’s a learned sport. As a little girl, I became whatever I was needed to be. Silent. Self-sufficient. Un-needy. The keeper of secrets. I adapted quickly and ferociously, lest I be caught dead.
And then there was the move to private school. I shifted into the black girl who “talked and acted white.” Traded my Boys II Men and SWV cassette tapes for Dave Matthews Band and Phish. Packed my bag with turkey sandwiches and baby carrots. I was the agreeable token black student.
In college, the masking continued by kissing boys, and eventually marrying one in my early twenties. I hid my love for women with Bible verses. I was the loving wife. The righteous Christian sister.
I foolishly thought that in my coming out and move to a more fulfilling career that this predilection would die in me. But it has remained--even in absence of need.
I think of the relationships I’ve destroyed. I've left many deserving women reeling by my masking. I used my sexuality as a weapon.
For them, I became whoever they needed me to be. Morphing in front of their eyes. Reflecting the greatest version of themselves. Holding their secrets and protecting their dreams. Uncloaking my body, but never my heart.
I am sorry.
This is for the first one, the colored girl who dared to take my hand and show me the way. And for the second one, the beautiful brown writer with sad and shifting eyes. And for the last and final one, the woman who cracked light, holding fire in her mouth to burn me.
I understand what I became, and I am not proud of it. I am going home, wherever that may be. The adaptation that once was critical for my survival, is now fatal to my spiritual and emotional growth. This painful mutation is not useful anymore.
Slowly, but surely, I am working toward living full blue, like Mystique. I am alive and exposed. Tender to the touch.
