4 random points of nothingness
1. I hate public transportation. Regrettably, rising gas prices have neutered my bourgeois inclinations. Every morning I herd onto the 8:17am train—sunglasses to hide my disdain, book in hand to dissuade anyone from looking my way. I am not a morning person.
Today, I came to my stop and shuffled my belongings to signal preparation for departure. When I stood up, an oily white woman standing in the aisle refused to let me pass. My aggressive tendencies, lack of sleep and general distaste for anyone who attempts to get in my way took over. I shoved my large stocky purse into her side two times and pushed past her to make my way out of the train. It was pleasant. I was satisfied. Screw Buddhist reflection—it was 9 am in the morning.
2. I met with my ex yesterday for a “serious” talk. When you are married, an intimacy comes that is unmatched in any other relationship. After all of this time, I still know that when he says this, he means that. And so I knew before he even spoke a word what he was preparing to say. He is ready to file for divorce.
And Although I have prepared myself for this moment, it still ripped through me. We were the best and the worst with each other. Love’s life or life’s love as he often called it. I know that he is still in love with me, and although I have given my heart to another woman, I will always be able to return to him. Some things defy logic.
3. I am getting a kitten. Hopefully, a kitten will curb my appetite to procreate. Can you imagine that? Now, of all times, as I am preparing to divorce, my biological clock finally wakes up and starts to tick. The irony of it all.
I had a dog a few months ago but that was a disaster. I searched over a month to find him and commissioned my ex to drive with me to Amish country to pick him up. He was perfection in the car—hardly made a sound. But when I let him out of the cage to introduce him to his new surroundings he promptly relieved himself on the carpet—and so this would continue for the next few days. I plastered the floor with doggy diapers, tried to get him to go outside, but everyday I would come home to find the doggy diapers tattered and torn and huge piles of dog poop on my kitchen floor. To make matters worse, he yelped and yelled all night long. After 4 days, I packed up his bags and doggy diapers and dropped him off at a friend’s house. It was an open adoption. I never looked back.
A kitten would be much easier. Cats are self cleaning agents. They only poop on the floor, out of spite, when their litter boxes are messy. I don’t blame them though. I don’t sit on dirty toilets either.
4. I am alone tonight. I’ve forgotten how to be alone. There once was a time when I craved space. Now, I fear that I have regressed. Silence has come to visit me. Dreadful thoughts are knocking at my door.
Today, I came to my stop and shuffled my belongings to signal preparation for departure. When I stood up, an oily white woman standing in the aisle refused to let me pass. My aggressive tendencies, lack of sleep and general distaste for anyone who attempts to get in my way took over. I shoved my large stocky purse into her side two times and pushed past her to make my way out of the train. It was pleasant. I was satisfied. Screw Buddhist reflection—it was 9 am in the morning.
2. I met with my ex yesterday for a “serious” talk. When you are married, an intimacy comes that is unmatched in any other relationship. After all of this time, I still know that when he says this, he means that. And so I knew before he even spoke a word what he was preparing to say. He is ready to file for divorce.
And Although I have prepared myself for this moment, it still ripped through me. We were the best and the worst with each other. Love’s life or life’s love as he often called it. I know that he is still in love with me, and although I have given my heart to another woman, I will always be able to return to him. Some things defy logic.
3. I am getting a kitten. Hopefully, a kitten will curb my appetite to procreate. Can you imagine that? Now, of all times, as I am preparing to divorce, my biological clock finally wakes up and starts to tick. The irony of it all.
I had a dog a few months ago but that was a disaster. I searched over a month to find him and commissioned my ex to drive with me to Amish country to pick him up. He was perfection in the car—hardly made a sound. But when I let him out of the cage to introduce him to his new surroundings he promptly relieved himself on the carpet—and so this would continue for the next few days. I plastered the floor with doggy diapers, tried to get him to go outside, but everyday I would come home to find the doggy diapers tattered and torn and huge piles of dog poop on my kitchen floor. To make matters worse, he yelped and yelled all night long. After 4 days, I packed up his bags and doggy diapers and dropped him off at a friend’s house. It was an open adoption. I never looked back.
A kitten would be much easier. Cats are self cleaning agents. They only poop on the floor, out of spite, when their litter boxes are messy. I don’t blame them though. I don’t sit on dirty toilets either.
4. I am alone tonight. I’ve forgotten how to be alone. There once was a time when I craved space. Now, I fear that I have regressed. Silence has come to visit me. Dreadful thoughts are knocking at my door.
Comments
and
get a dog
Morning trains, exes, dogs vs cats, loneliness. Cor blimey, girl, I think you've flooded the whole market! Can I have a go :-)?
Morning routines depend on other factors, not just on oneself, in my humble opinion. When I used to work in travel, I felt pretty much like you did yesterday. Now that I work in the creative sector (arts) I feel much more sedated (playing Astor Piazolla's 'Libertango' in the office now and I feel as if I was floating around). The push and shove are inevitable sometimes, so don't beat yourself up too much about it. Do begin to worry if these situations replicate themselves too often.
Exes are a never an easy path to walk down on (hey, no pun intended, OK?). They soon become a distant memory. Resilience is the word.
Neither cats nor dogs. I am not a pet person. Sorry.
Loneliness. At the last count we were 6,821665287 inhabitants on planet Earth. Solitude is temporary, just reach out and touch that stranger's hand. Who knows? It might even be an oily white woman on the 8:17am.
Greetings from London.
I really would like to explore your thought process!
thanks for the support and understanding. u always know what to say.
@torrance
been there, done that.
@a cuban in london
yes, i am all over the place. i envy you--i only wish that i could have a job in the creative arts--life wouldn't be so schizo and i wouldn't go around hitting oily white women.
@naijaleta,
"get on with life..." never a question. a pet peeve of mine--telling others to "get on" or "get out" when they experience perfectly normal human behaviors. making new friends is not a cure--sometimes you need to sit with the pain. this i have learned from experience.
@skoolboi krush
lmao. u know that i feel u. impulse repression/supression is overrated. welcome to my place. thanks for stopping in.
@tony oh
u know that i will fill you in. glad to know that i have a listening ear. btw--where r my new posts?
u are so right. thanks for the enouragement!
yes, my dislike of pt began when i lived in manhattan. unfortunately, haven't gotten rid of the distaste yet. i don't want to get use to lonelines--but i welcome all human emotion. btw--love the blog--of course i had to visit with ur name being that of one of my favorite novels. welcome.