DREAMS OF MY FATHER

My father is a junkie, but he is alive and well. There was a time when I wrote of him, wondering if he was safe. Was he tired? Was he fed? Was he lost in an alleyway with a strip of rubber plastered to his sweaty arm?

I would have washed his feet and poured alabaster upon his head like Mary Magdalene—an atonement of sorts. At night, I would lie in bed afraid that I would never get a chance to say goodbye to him—that he would escape me in life, and too, in death.

The day after my mother died, he called me from behind prison walls, his voice thick like gravy. I could not respond. He is here, she is not.

It is the ultimate trick, the final cruelty, that this man with eyes caked shut, this man who cared nothing but of his sweet addiction is the only thing that I have left to claim. I brim with resentment. Barrister in training never had a chance to appeal or petition for her. Who was present to intercede?

His life shatters every concept of balance. He was spared. And for that, I ache. A life for a life, he should have taken her place, and I would have poured alabaster upon his head.

I know that thoughts are cold and hard, but I do not apologize. I stopped believing in fairytales and happy endings a long time ago.

I fold and ask for a new hand.

Comments

Mizrepresent said…
wow, i feel your loss...but your spiritual father will never, has never left you lady, believe that!
the truth
when of the heart
may be rigid
but not cold or hard
Unknown said…
Hmmmm.... Oh love! How I mirror your resentment. The pain of your memories are to immense to swallow. If only I could soothe your aching soul. Mere words will not comfort your pain. But know that you are loved. You have love beyond measure, stored up for you by the many relationships that you have made right here, in your ability to be transparent and revealing the intricacies of your spirit. I'll keep praying for you and you're right, fairy tales are just that, but what's real is many of us do care, and if there is to be a happy ending, know that we are there. My father too was a drunk and sought to use me in the same way, but, your dad was the other half that created you! And that's what brought so much joy to your Mom and in turn she brought that same joy to you. So please realize the blessing and deny the curse. You are Blessed beyond measure and you shall live in prosperity by the promises of Gods word. Keep releasing the pain, because soon you will be overwhelmed with so much joy, you won't feel any of the resentment. My dad waited to call me on his dying bed, after he had reared another womans children and after they dogged him, he turned to me! I wasn't present at his funeral, my brother went in my place. We had different Fathers. It haunts me to this day. Trust me... This too shall pass.

Stay up Love!
shine said…
@ miz

thanks for the support. this i know is true.

@torrance
that brings som relief

@tony oh
thanks for sharing your story. you understand me on so many levels. i can always find encouragement through you. i am sorry to hear about your dad, but i am glad that you were able to find meaning. you are right, i know that i am being prepared for more joy than i can hold, and when that joy comes, resentment will disappear. thank you for always sharing your love. i know that love never ends. it goes on and on and on...
kay-shawn said…
I admire your courage and honesty to write about these things. I don't think I could ever summon up such courage and if you ask me I think deep inside I'm a coward. If this is going to be of any consolation I will bookmark your blog and check on you regularly. You're much loved.
shine said…
@ Kay-shawn,

I am touched. Thank you for speaking the truth. BTW-love your blog.
It is one of the most heart-rending posts I have read on any blog for a long time. It was short and straight through to the heart. I think that many people will say that you ought to forgive him because at the end of the day he is your dad. Being the realist I am (and a Scorpio to boot!), I say, good on ya! It's OK to feel like that, it's perfectly fine to unload your load on the loads of readers of your blog. I stood there on the threshold of your blog today and battled against what you threw at me from the lounge and I feel better, really it's true, I feel better. And I guess htat after you wrote those lines a tiny, weeny tear streamed down your cheek, but after a while that lachrymose outing was transformed into a grin. Life treated you unfairly (according to what I read) and this is your moment of taking the bull by the horns and twisting it around. Don your cape, you have earned the right to.

Thanks for popping by.

Greetings from London.
Muse said…
sad that life should be this way. but the danger in it all is that in fighting what was, we often times become what will be. there's a poem of mine on my blog i think you should look at. it captures your situation totally. cheers.
shine said…
cuban,

thank you so much for your words. Scorpio, eh? I should have known. my ex and grandfather are both scorpios and the only "real" men in my life. Thank you for bearing witness to my pain. I know that it is uncomfortable, but it is a true gift. I appreciate your unjudgmental ear, or eyes in this medium (smile). After I wrote this, I felt the ultimate release--the tiny tear as you say, followed by a sense of power. If I do forgive him, it will be on my own accord and with my red cape on (another smile for you).

@ muse

I will def check out your poem. Where have u been hiding? I have released this into the universe--it is what it is.
Buttercup said…
oh wow...that was deep...
shine said…
@buttercup

Thanks. Welcome to my space.

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