thirtysomething
I've been thirty for four whole days now. I am checking myself, looking down at my legs, wiggling my arms, arching my spine. I have to say, I still feel exactly the same. I suppose I never really felt like I was in my twenties, ever. Call it the Curious Case of Benjamin Button, but I swear to you I did the thirties a long time ago. I got married twice, divorced once (waiting for the courts to recognize the second marriage and then the divorce). I had a significant career change. I buried a parent. Yes, my life is trending in reverse.
When I was about eight or nine years old, I loved to watch the television show "thirtysomethings." I guess the turbulence of the program mirrored the turbulence of my childhood. Even at a young age, I connected to adult feelings and failings. On Saturday nights I would sit patiently in front of the television and wait for the show to come on--I'd imagine that one day I would at least be the director of my own confusion. Oh, how I longed for control.
It all makes sense now--why I am vehemently opposed to anything or any person attempting to manipulate my space. In relationships, when I sense any semblance of constriction, I flee. It's been a source of contention, especially when it comes to my interactions with women. Women are the possessive kind. Call me selfish. Selfish I will be. But I ain't letting no one possess me.
I am not particularly confined to any one thing--not any job, any person, any thought, any emotion. I can engage and disengage with similar ease.
They call me a woman now. They say I'm all grown up. But innocence and delightful ignorance were never my playmates. I've always felt the profound and sobering weight of adulthood. I've always witnessed people in their wonder, and their shame. I am still waiting. Still waiting for my twenties to begin.
When I was about eight or nine years old, I loved to watch the television show "thirtysomethings." I guess the turbulence of the program mirrored the turbulence of my childhood. Even at a young age, I connected to adult feelings and failings. On Saturday nights I would sit patiently in front of the television and wait for the show to come on--I'd imagine that one day I would at least be the director of my own confusion. Oh, how I longed for control.
It all makes sense now--why I am vehemently opposed to anything or any person attempting to manipulate my space. In relationships, when I sense any semblance of constriction, I flee. It's been a source of contention, especially when it comes to my interactions with women. Women are the possessive kind. Call me selfish. Selfish I will be. But I ain't letting no one possess me.
I am not particularly confined to any one thing--not any job, any person, any thought, any emotion. I can engage and disengage with similar ease.
They call me a woman now. They say I'm all grown up. But innocence and delightful ignorance were never my playmates. I've always felt the profound and sobering weight of adulthood. I've always witnessed people in their wonder, and their shame. I am still waiting. Still waiting for my twenties to begin.
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