The Addiction

Most people find it hard to believe that I lost my virginity on my wedding night; I was twenty –three years old. I waited so long not for lack of opportunity—one only knows how many relationships these clinched thighs destroyed—but out of fear. Years later, I have come to believe that it was not fear of the other that preserved my virtue, but fear of my very self.

This part of my life has been thrown back into the air quite recently. I am still trying to piece together a conversation that I had with a friend a few weeks ago. I met him my first day of school. Our connection was instant. He was attractive, witty and cynical—I certainly thought that he would be a good friend--that is until he saw my wedding ring. He backed off slowly, I understood—I was no longer my own but a possession. Over the years we spoke occasionally, our furtive exchanges tinged with chemistry and attraction. And when I finally left my husband he was there, ready to offer comfort and support. In the summer, we spent a considerable amount of time together. However, when I realized that he wanted something more stable I turned away. I was free and open and wide. I sensed, like fear, that his hands were ill-equipped to handle my complexities –my overwhelming proclivities.

A few weeks ago, he invited me over to his house and prepared for me a meal. It was afterward that he asked me if I would consider at least being “friends with benefits.” I told him that I would contemplate his proposition; I never called him back.

It is not that I was offended by his request. I am a big girl—self possessed, aware and unconstrained by traditional notions of femininity. I’ve wrestled boys. I’m a kick ass take your girl kinda woman. But what frustrates and ultimately dismantles me, at least where it concerns men, is my inability to act; fear renders me impotent.

What is it that I am scared of? What is it that I am hiding? Maybe an inclination—a feeling that if I begin I will not know where to stop. A fear that I will take this body, use and abuse it, leave my soul at the door, manipulate and subjugate, give way to vice. I have an addictive personality, this I know. I am afraid that I have another addiction. This one, unrealized.

Comments

Charles said…
Like I've said before...I love how you write...its poetic and real at the same time. About guy...you seem like a very very intelligent female...which is always sexy, so I don't fault him for asking that of you. But you also have to know where you're coming from, and what exactly it is that you want from not only everyone else, but yourself. When you find that balance of what you want, things will fall into place. I told myself that I was saving myself for marriage...but that's not what it really was at all. I just knew who I was and how I would continue to lose myself if I did that, which I did. So I totally understand where you're coming from with that.

Oh...and I love that new pic on the page...
Unknown said…
His cooking was that bad huh?...lol
i think that is commendable conviction always is

and not like some women whi engage and then say they want to save themselves for marriage and start again

and the book in the pic should be mine, would be an honor
Wow...I can soooo relate, from the failed marriage to the friend that has always been there and will accept any form of a relationship, even if nothing more than a cut-up buddy. I think I hold back sexually because I KNOW that I would become addicted and could very well possibly turn into a whore because I would crave it just that much. I also fear that I could be cold and not really care about whether or not the men were catching feelings. LOL. I'm so serious.

Hi, I'm Queen. Saw your comment on Charles' page and couldn't resist stopping by.
shine said…
@ charles

Thanks for the compliment (smiling). Balance is what we all hope for but I am an extremist. Maybe one day...

@tony oh

lmao! wasn't that bad. he made chicken and biscuits--my favorite.

@ torrence stevens

Send me a pic and u may get your wish

@ queen of my castle

welcome and thanks for stopping in. you feel me completely. i resist because i know myself and i know that i have to propensity to disconnect and cause lots of damage. lol. i'm def checking your blog out.

@brittany

thanks! welcome--I'll def by stopping by your place.
Muse said…
like charles said, poetic but real. isn't it funny how we really dnt know ourselves? how something, somewhere in us is just waiting for that one opportunity to rear itself...and take over?

insightful.
shine said…
@ muse

yes, something is always hiding--it comes out when we least expect it. welcome.
Ms. Jackson said…
well, like u say, u know yourself
and who knows you better than you?

if you really don't think its for u
there's nothing wrong in declining
Nathalie said…
This is deep, I feel like this everyday...

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