The Addiction

Most people find it hard to believe that I lost my virginity on my wedding night; I was twenty –three years old. I waited so long not for lack of opportunity—one only knows how many relationships these clinched thighs destroyed—but out of fear. Years later, I have come to believe that it was not fear of the other that preserved my virtue, but fear of my very self.

This part of my life has been thrown back into the air quite recently. I am still trying to piece together a conversation that I had with a friend a few weeks ago. I met him my first day of school. Our connection was instant. He was attractive, witty and cynical—I certainly thought that he would be a good friend--that is until he saw my wedding ring. He backed off slowly, I understood—I was no longer my own but a possession. Over the years we spoke occasionally, our furtive exchanges tinged with chemistry and attraction. And when I finally left my husband he was there, ready to offer comfort and support. In the summer, we spent a considerable amount of time together. However, when I realized that he wanted something more stable I turned away. I was free and open and wide. I sensed, like fear, that his hands were ill-equipped to handle my complexities –my overwhelming proclivities.

A few weeks ago, he invited me over to his house and prepared for me a meal. It was afterward that he asked me if I would consider at least being “friends with benefits.” I told him that I would contemplate his proposition; I never called him back.

It is not that I was offended by his request. I am a big girl—self possessed, aware and unconstrained by traditional notions of femininity. I’ve wrestled boys. I’m a kick ass take your girl kinda woman. But what frustrates and ultimately dismantles me, at least where it concerns men, is my inability to act; fear renders me impotent.

What is it that I am scared of? What is it that I am hiding? Maybe an inclination—a feeling that if I begin I will not know where to stop. A fear that I will take this body, use and abuse it, leave my soul at the door, manipulate and subjugate, give way to vice. I have an addictive personality, this I know. I am afraid that I have another addiction. This one, unrealized.